| Nov. 30th, 2009 @ 05:36 am Take away these chains from me... |
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I was always of the mind that everything happens for a reason, you grow from every experience good or bad, blah blah blah. So I never thought I'd say this, but...
I often wish I could forget everything about Nick. Erase every last trace of him from my memory, like he was never even there. There were good times, sure. But I don't know if they were worth the pain of the everything else.
How could you hide the fact that you were married and left your wife for a new partner, and never tell her?
How could you lie about that ex being pregnant, and never tell your new fiancee you were expecting a child, that you were in contact with the ex and seeing the pregnancy the whole time, and then make up a HUGE emotional act when the kid was born, and lie to me that she never told you she was pregnant? Everything was an act, a sham.
How could you tell someone that wanted to spend eternity with you, that if they loved you enough, they would completely change who they are for you? When you spent your entire relationship lying to them?
The first time Nick came to visit me here in the States (on my dime...which I now have to go to court for, because I was never able to repay the credit card, which he swore up and down he'd pay me back for, and never did...so a year later I am STILL dealing with the financial consequences of his heartlessness, along with the emotional), while we were asleep in bed together, I had a HORRIBLE nightmare, one of the most terrifying I've ever had. In my nightmare I was lying in bed with him, and he woke up, turning into this horrifying monster movie version of Nick, with sharp yellow claws, huge jaws with razor sharp daggers of bloody dripping teeth, raving mad bulging eyes, an absolute vision of evil, a demon really, and he was attacking me, on top of me, just about to rip me to shreds, tear me limb from limb and devour me alive...and I woke up. My heart was racing, I was shaking, and I looked over at him asleep next to me, and I was utterly baffled and terrified to the point that I had to wake him up and ask him to get out of bed with me and just go sit on the couch with the lights on because lying there was too close to the dream and I was so scared. I couldn't even let him touch me I was so freaked out, which was unheard of, as we were both constantly all over each other normally.
Now I am a very spiritual person, generally pretty connected to energies around me and dreams and so on. I'm Pagan, and so was Nick. He was super spiritual and even more in tune and connected than I am, and would regularly have dreams of events just before or as they happened, things both tightly connected to him and not, he was just that in tune, remarkably so. That connection made the long distance alot easier to deal with, but not gonna lie, it did get disturbing at times, to the point where I felt like I couldn't be alone in my own head to sort through anything. He would regularly tell me things I was thinking & feeling days before I'd even collected my thoughts enough to articulate them to him. Even he called it a curse as much of a blessing. So, we both were always in tune with dreams and intuition and so on...so I have no idea, no fucking idea why I didn't pay a damn lick of a attention to that bloody horrifying nightmare, that premonition, that incredible gift insight that the God & Goddess gave me into the reality of what he really was doing to me. Why the FUCK didn't I pay any attention to that? :(
"Take 'em away
Take 'em away, Lord
Take away these chains from me
My heart is broken 'cause my spirit's not free
Lord, take away these chains from me."
-Critter Fuqua, old bluegrass tune |
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